Finding My Way Thru CUNY

I went to a listening party to hear an artist this guy I know has been producing. His dream is to create a production company that will create wealth for him and his boys. The brother I know is a; well educated, locks down his back, Ghana traveling, African studies kinda guy. The artist he is producing a; pants sagging, diamond grill wearing, woman bashing dude. For months, he’s been asking me questions about the business, attempting to pump me for information. Because I can spot when someone is attempting to turn me into their personal “research firm” I set up the “I don’t know shield” as soon as I see their name across the caller ID.

I was curious, I wanted to hear this artist, everytime you ask what kind of artist is he, he says “Yo, his sound is crazy” OK, but what kind of artist is he. At the session which was very informal; dip, chips, incense and veggies, he set the stage with Marley and Dionne Farris. After about an hour of light conversation he made his speech about his artist and began to play the music and whip out the PR photos. I was beside myself, I could not believe this brother was a walking contradiction. His artist cuss more that Biggie, 2Pac and 50 put together, in his song he’d develop a new word for women “product”, we were now product, what a nightmare. After 3 songs which he proudly boasted about and the fact that another famous rapper was interested in them meeting them. At the door you hear someone saying I’m here, I’m here and in walks his artist, Big shades, huge chain ( which could feed a small country) and the gem studded skull sweatshirts all the “ballers” on 125th street are wearing , whatever. All I could do was plaster this smile on my face in disbelief, not at the artist but at the brother I know. I was like what; you pushing 45yrs, BA in African Studies and MFA in music, and you come up with this. I was so outta there.

About 2 hours later, my friend realized she left her cell, we called her number and surely someone picked up her phone from his house so, we headed back. At the door, he’s like “why yall left” and one of my girlfriends said “we heard the music and that was that”, he say ” what did you think, nice right”, “Wrong”, she said, “it’s been done and now we are looking for someone new”. I had to ask, ” what made you decided to make him your first artist”, he simply replied ” money, he’s a star”. I was done, on the way home a group of us began talking about music, hip-hop, getting older, the effects on women and the community. This guy who heard our conversation decided to butt in, he let us know that; we are way to sensitive, people got to eat and if we had our way, artist like 50 and r kelly would not exist. He even went so far to say we must be man-haters. I didn’t do the back and forth with him, these days you gotta know who you are exchanging with cause everyone’s not working with a full deck.

I began to think, am I a hater, more than that, am I a man hater, NO!!!. I called this guy I know to tell him what happened, he say that the Imus thing is really messing with people’s thinking. We have to understand that ying and yang exist and there will always be a bad and good. My concern is not the bad and good but, why can’t we get some good. Why do I have to listen to 91.9, CD 101.9 to get a break. Why can’t I get a station that plays; Jill Scott, Jaguar, Robin Thick, etc..not that some of their songs are not sexually explicit but at lease I can get a break from the trick, hoe thing. I wanna feel what I felt before about Hip Hop so, I go through my CD rack and pull out some old favorites like; Run DMC, Public Enemy, Common and Biggie’s 1st album. I think it’s age, Dang, I’m only 36. There was a time, I never thought I would fall out of love with Hip-Hop, I begin to think about the people I know in Hip-Hop who are parents, stable and successful. How can they still nod their head and think nothings wrong with this picture. I became really sad by this revelation.

While listening to the radio, I decided to turn on Wendy Williams, the drama queen of radio to see what she’s saying. I can’t expect much because she gets paid to be ridiculous and flashy so, I won’t knock her hustle. I know she is either at the 40 door or has clearly stepped in the ring so, I wondering does she really buy into that, I am one person at work and another at home, that’s bull, but that my opinion . While she was talking, she began to talk about her son performing in his school’s talent show and she was suggesting some songs he should sing. Now as far as I can tell, he’s a baby, 5, 6 or 7. She begins running a list of songs and then she says; “this is why I’m hot” by mims. I was like what, oh, you are over. This is why I’m hot, please. She says, he tell me, “mommy, my Hip-Hop life and school life are different”. what!!, he’s a baby, some grown people can’t make the distinction and you expect me to believe that he can. I had enough and quickly flipped to 101.9.

There’s is something wrong with me. It’s got to be me. Maybe, I am now where my mother was, when I was attemping to make a gold tooth out of cigarette paper and singing rap songs in the mirror with my hair brush and just can’t see it. Maybe I am just suppose to love what I loved and move on.

I took a couple of days off from work because I have so much school work. This morning, I turned on the View to see what the “Hot Topics” are, especially because of the Imus outrage, I wanted to see what Rosie had to say.  As they began to talk, Joy made a comment about Black people ” that “we as Black people feel empowered to confront Imus based on the fact that Obama is running for president”. What!!, I could not believe my ears . You see, I know things like what Joy says is always in the back of the mind of many Caucasian, I have often requested things in work or at the store and I get that look that says ” who do you think you are”. I have even had someone say ” you think you  are suppose to get the same treatment as a  White person ” Yah, DAMN Right!!!”.

I decided to send an email to Joy and her crew, to let her know how I feel.

 After hearing Joy’s comments on Wednesday’s “Hot Topics” that “we as Black people feel empowered by the fact that Obama is running for president” was an insult. She could not have been more wrong. How dare her even think she can speak about what she thinks we, as BLACK women and BLACK people feel. We are empowered by our fight; Slavery, Jim Crow, Segregation and Civil Rights. The gas that has fueled our fire is on the back of; Martin Malcolm, Mandela, Assata, Elijah Muhammad, Rosa Park and yes, even Jackson and Sharpton. We have earned empowerment by blood shed, not by pity. I stand as a young Black Women, something which you could never speak for. I cannot be separated. I am both, a woman and black and therefore feel the weight everyday on; radio, TV, newspapers and on the streets.  We as black women have been placed on the global chopping block and the world thinks they can define us by the media perception but, clearly we are more and we are certainly not waiting to be saved. Thanks to our Heroes and Sheroes, we understand we cannot be defined by the lyrics on a sheet of paper or the words of a script. I grew up in Hip Hop and I love Hip Hop but, I had to draw the line, as a BLACK Woman and a WOMAN because I can no longer be verbally abused by the lyrics but, the same goes for; rock, hard rock and country music - Sexism is running a muck.  Elizabeth, you are correct, we cannot judge Imus w/o Looking at other outlets of hate hate but, understand the fuel is ignited from different places. Hip Hip as Rosie said is a place that is used to define thir perception of the world, from a wounded twisted mentality. Imus’s view is derived from sheer hate of anything other than himself and his kind. What would be the answer, I don’t know but, I know we as BLACK Women bear a brunt of this weight. TO hear Joy make it seems as though we were just given  the right to speak was a horrible awakening that even as women there is a clear separation between Black Women and Women in general.

This of course leads to some serious thinking about my people, hip hop lyrics, black men, our children. If we continue to go down the shaw shank of morality, where will our children be, it scared me. I have worked for many years in hip-hop and I left the industry because I could not longer support a company that supports and artist that call me ‘Bitches and hoes, every other second” oh, when I first got in the game , I loved it. I LOVED It but God began to speak to me and now it hurts, like a stab wound over and over. It is understood, that when a child or person hears a message over and over, they will absorb the contents of the message. This speak to the abuse and treatment of women. I love the fact that hip hop has created more independent black men than any other career. This outlet has created a stream of income for many people who would not have a career, if not for music. How could something so good hurt so bad and where do we go from here. I don’t hate hip hop, I love it and I am torn about where to stand in defense of myself being a BLACK woman,  BLACK Woman globally, future mothers and wives while supporting an arena that has created a new level of wealth and independence for a lot of young black men and women in the hood.  What can I do to help my people, support freedom of speech and not be a hater towards Hip Hop.  Deep in my heart, I feel like I am suppose to be a part of something that is suppose to make a difference but, what. How can I support Black women and not hate Hip Hop.

On November 2006, my friend Cha Cha hosted a small dinner. She invited nine women, most of us have known each other since the age of 8 yrs. We have gone through;  elementary school, block fights, boyfriends, babies, 1st apartments and more. although our lives are separate, we find time to catchup and thanks to the Internet, we drop “hi” notes to each other to check in.

This evening was a real shocker, it was the first time one of us had to personally deal with a health issue.  Her first reaction was one of disbelief, she told us in a “girl can you believe this happened to me”  high pitched tone. I could. It wasa year eariler that my aunt was notified she had Breast Cancer after a fall down some stairs. My family is really tight so, when someone is affected, especially my aunt (she is almost the glue that holds us together) we are all impacted.

My flexibility at work allowed me to visit her quite often. I watched her as a child being a strong Black woman to almost begging God to take her life. I never knew who I would be when faced with a situation like this but, I managed to stand strong  and cry in my car later.  Becuase of our strong faith in God, we were able to understand that no person is spared from tragedyy and our issue is no different. I braced myself for the possibility that my aunt would die and I needed to be ready to support my mother, if such an event would happen. After several months of Chemo, surgery, poking, proding and Radiation, she is finally finished with the required treatments. The doctor told her that they would like her to have another round, just to be sure but, she refused. She’s has decided that she wants to live the rest of her life-for however long that is out of the hospital and we respect her decision.

It was this battle that I use to be a source of support to my friend. We ended this dinner with tears and disbelief but, still manage to find some laughter as we strolled down memory lane. Since then, she has started Chemo and it’s been really rough, she goes to Chemo not to far from my job so, I meet her there and we talk while she’s watching this poison go through her system to cure her. We also live across the street from each other and eventhough we have lead separate lives for a while, this has brought us back to a common place. The Chemo is a monster that knocks you down before it picks you up. With bouts of nausea, coughing fits and intensive acid reflux, she questions God’s  reason for this journey. We often talk during the day because I know what my aunt felt like when no one called. The phone stops ringing and cards stop coming, you are left to deal alone. I don’t want her to feel that so, I make an sure I am in-tune to checking in with her.  

One early morning, Cha Cha called to tell me she’s is really sick and she can’t make it. She was so weak, I talked to her for over an hour until she was strong enough to open the door for me. When I arrived, all she could do was cry. I made her something to eat and helped her clean herself up and try to reduce the fever that was quickly moving up until the daylight hours. At 103 fever, we knew it was time to go to the hospital. They said she had phenomena and needed to be admitted in the hospital, she stayed for 4 days.

My aunt is still fighting her illness but, she is a fighter and I knew her story would help Cha Cha. I picked up my aunt and we went to the hospital to see her. My aunt and Cha Cha talked about the physical and mental struggles of the illness. It was a moment I could not share, honestly I was thankful that I could not identify. Their bond was sealed tighter than blood, it was the bond of survival.  At that point I realized why “survivor” is the perfect title for anyone who has gone through Cancer.

She has 5 remaining treatments and the after effects are really wearing her down. We all stick together to lift her spirits and we pray for God’s will and God’s grace on her life and the life of her child and family. 

While watching the 5 min university, I wish it was that easy.  I mentally scroll through my accumulation of credits and think about how much time till I am finished. With the development of education, I wonder what will happen in the future no, we may not get to the 5 min education but I’m sure in the future, they may laugh at the fact that it took 4 years or more to get a degree. In regards to the video, I was shocked that the video was so clear and gave almost a full body image.

I find U Tube to be such a strange place and I’m not sure if it’s good or bad. It’s like my space and I can’t seem to figure out the attraction, so many people have something to say or want to be seen.  It amazes me.

I tell you, this journey to set up a blog has been a real test of patience. While I sit at my computer attempting to figure out how to get this blog going for the past 2 weeks, I’ve been feeling really disconnected.

Today, I went to on a tour for a science class and happen to meet another student who is taking the same class and all I could think of was, alright..there’s another human being experiencing exactly what I am, right now for the same reason. After reading the Bolster essay, I can easily understand the perspective of the individuals who felt as though the computer removes the organic feeling from writing. Not to say that the advances are not better, its just that the advancement distorts the original purpose. I miss the energy of other people being just as confused as I am. I miss the rush of the halls, the interaction with students and the excitement of the professors. I miss it but, I don’t know if I miss it enough to go back.

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